Glimpse into my heart right now

When there's more questions than answers and no end in sight, how do you deal with a loss that isn't there yet is so palpable it's like someone cut out your heart? 

And please, if you mean well and are going to say something about the Lord and His will, I just don't see that any of this was in His plan at all....and if so, there's the "more questions" part of the situation. 

I've heard people say He allows stuff to make us stronger...I don't need anymore strength. To make us bigger...I don't need to be bigger...His thoughts are higher...well, this seems pretty dadgum low to let a family be split, but not all the way and not sure if there is a split and for how long, and can someone please explain all this to my littles?

I'm okay with my questions...it's THEIR responses to what's going on that's killing me....and because there's no solution or resolution, it's like a gaping wound.

I guess I need peace, or understanding...or grace... or something. I know I don't NEED to understand His will...I just would like to know where His will is in any of this and how to maneuver my day to day when part of our lives are deeply and desperately missing, of very little fault of our own. And I know as smart as you my friends are, none of you would even pretend to know that. So I guess we just still need prayers.

Reasons why you may NOT want to sit next to us at a soccer game!

Said by me:  #7, keep your leg down!

Said by my husband: Ref, if you're going to have that thing in your mouth, you might as well use it!

Said by my father-in-law: Who the heck are these people and why do I have their children?!

communi-tee outreach (sorry, I had to)

Songear.com has asked that some bloggers help them get their name out there.  This is the first review I am going to do, so please let me know if I do it right or wrong or if there's something I need to put.  I may or may not get a t-shirt for doing this, but I like the site for Christian t-shirts and I always get distracted when I'm about to order because there's like 50 gajillion designs I like there.  They have all different sizes and are very comparable in price to other t-shirt sites I've seen.  I have like a total of 10 followers to my blog, so I don't know how helpful I'll be, but you never know!

What I want right now....

A very sloppy burger with cheese. And french fries. And a really huge soda.
No regrets.
Until tomorrow when I check my blood sugar.
Because  I'm a rebel like that.

things that make me want to cry

When I see my children following footsteps they think are "normal" to follow.

When I run up and try and grab them away from the footsteps, not realizing that in doing this,

I'm automatically labeling the footsteps they are in as "wrong" 

When I'm part of the reason the footsteps exist in the first place.

I spend all day trying to "help" keep the peace around here
And then I realize, I'm part of the problem, 
And if I just let the process go, my husband, my coparent 
Deals with it just fine.  
And by jumping in, I may have just diminished his authority in the view of our children.

I realize we are hurting.  We're hurting bad.  We're trying, but we're human.

We have intense feelings of rejection and misunderstandings right now.

Anytime we reach out, it seems like someone has a solution, an idea, a way to do it better.

But no one comes alongside us to walk this rough road with us.

And it just adds to the hurt, the frustrations, the pain.  The things that make me want to cry.

Rules of my heart...

Just because you love them...
...does not mean you will get love shown back....
...does not mean you will not get hurt...
...does not mean they will not leave you...
...does not mean they will make smart decisions...
...does not mean they will grow up and make you proud.

When they...

...do not show you love in return...

...hurt you...

...leave you...

...do not make smart decisions...

...make you feel ashamed as they grow up...

It doesn't mean you didn't love them with EVERY fiber of your being.

When I tell you...
...it hurts to keep loving when love is not shown in return...
...it hurts when you hurt me...
...it hurts when you leave me...
...it hurts when you do not make smart decisions...
...it hurts when I feel ashamed as you grow up...
Believe me, that does NOT diminish the amount of love I have for you.

But when I...

...hold you at arms' length so I can't tell when my love is being denied...

...walk away before your words or actions can hurt me...

...don't let you back in so you have another chance to leave me...

...don't want to hear about your decisions that are only going to hurt you and the ones who love you...

...cry as you grow up and deliberately walk away from the way you were raised...

Please respect me as I learn and grow and mourn the losses from my expectations and my needs.  

I cannot walk away from what I need even as I'm trying to learn what you think you need.  I do love you, but sometimes loving someone means learning to love oneself enough to know ones own limitations.  If such behavior is not labeled as "selfishness" on your behalf, then I am taking such limitations and expectations and applying them to my life.  I am learning my limitations/expectations as I am learning yours' and I hope one day we will be able to again show and live the love we have/had for each other.

Inhale sharply....because life is a vacuum....

Searching for new placement....

About 12 ZsuZsu pets that "decided" at 4:30 AM to activate....yes, all of them.

And for some reason, I am awake.  I have been asleep for HOURS at the computer, and I woke up about 4 AM.  I am TRYING to get back to sleepiness to be able to finish out the night.

Oh, the random noises coming from these "things"....

If you ever want to have a heart attack and pee your pants all at the same time...Put about 12 of them together and have just ONE of them go off for some reason. If you don't have a clue what I'm talking about, I will be GLAD to loan you a bunch. Right now. Just tell me in which direction I need to aim them.


Now please excuse me while I go calm my heart down and go practice my Kegel exercises!  Although you do find out rather quickly exactly what is in your heart when this happens.  I'm doing okay right now!


File under: moments that take your breath away...literally....HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

What I need

I need the world to stop revolving around one person whose axis is so screwed up it throws us all off as we go round and round.  Just in case anyone cares.

I have the most supportive friends ever

Today's obviously been a rough day.  My friends are rallying around me.  Just got this sent to me on facebook, tagged so I would find it easily.  Now, it's snagged, so I hope I'm okay in posting it, but I just feel so stinking loved right now, I have to brag on the friends Jesus gave me!

Love you, Kacy....and ALL my other friends who have been a huge hug from the Father God to me today...with scripture verses, encouragement, phone calls, texts, facebook messages and everything!

And then...the moments that take your breath away....

...when your 5 and 6 year old go racing through the house singing at the top of their lungs "you get knocked up, you get back up again....you may be knocked up but not there forever"....

...in praying to ask Jesus to forgive them for being mean to sister...."and Jesus help me to....K..shut UP, I'm talking to Jesus about you!"

...on a 3 hour trip....E: we there yet? Me: no.  E: okay, I'll be patient.  ONE minute later E: we there yet?

B in homeschooling the kids is teaching them Bible verses and concepts....In Ephesians, it talks about honoring your parents.  The kids HAVE that concept down, that they're supposed to TRY and do that.  What they REALLY understand is the next part....Father's don't exasperate your children....K last night "but you DO THAT all the time, daddy"....so we're having to tune that concept up again in that repeatedly asking for obedience and causing frustration is NOT exasperation!

...at the end of a rough day...E: I love you mommy.  And of course, I forgot to say it.  E:  MOMMY, I SAID I LOVE YOU, are you forgetting something?.  So I say "I love you, too darlin'."  She gets me EVERY TIME...E: I love you mostest, but guess who loves you more than me?  Thaaaaaaaaat's right momma...Jesus does, and don't you forget it!

My ecumenical child

We were passing by a home last night that has electric candelabras in each window.


K: I wonder if they celebrate Honolulu?  You know, that holiday we don't celebrate?


Um, yeah, it took us a while, too!

Most powerful song in my life at this time.

And yes, I cried like a baby at church yesterday when they played it.  I'm a mess.

my life...in a nutshell...or my life IS a nutshell? Can't figure that out

Wow...if I told you 1/2 of our summer's journeys, you wouldn't believe it.

I had posted back in July, and just was reminded by one of my dearest friends ever, that I had better blog or I was in danger of exploding and taking out this side of the US with my fall-out.

I may joke/complain/urgh about being a momma, but it is truly one of the best jobs I have ever been given.  If you decide to keep reading, please keep that in mind.  I LOVE all my children.  The rest of this post is NOT a pleasant one.  Please read and heed the warning.  I'm blogging so I don't explode, seriously.

HUMONGO WARNING HERE....TOUCHY SUBJECTS..DO NOT READ AND THEN COME BACK AT ME EVER ABOUT WHAT YOU READ!!!  JUST STOP READING NOW.

For some background:  I was told I was infertile. When I met my husband (this time around) his daughter was 4.  I knew there were issues...I know "that side of the family"....But I was thrilled to be blessed with a child.  While we were dating, I read all the "blended family" and "boundary" and "step family" information there was.  I was understanding when we had to shorten dates to get his daughter medicine.  I kept my mouth shut when his ex, whom I'd known for years told me she didn't care "who the eff ex dated as long as he paid the bills" and "she only kept the brat around because she paid bills".

Major issues. But I'm in love.  I STILL AM in love. But 10 years later, we are still dealing with same issues.  Except now they're uglier and more poison, and are evil and threatening.  The 4 year old who used to throw fits is now throwing THINGs.  While she used to scream, now she's cursing, cutting, journaling VILE things and running away from home.  What used to be protective lying behavior because her "mom can't live without" her is now, well, I don't know.  She's either a really good liar, really good forgetter, has very severe PTSD or is a spoiled brat to beat all spoiled brats and is pissed because she's not getting exactly what she wants WHEN she wants it....or all of those altogether.

B  & I have been married now for 8 years.  In those 8 years, I have had 5 police reports on my behalf against D's mom.  D's mom (BM=birthmom) has attempted to get B and I fired, she has turned in my nursing license, discontinued our cellphones, turned off our home utilities, had my van surrounded by SWAT response with my child in the van.....needless to say, despite all efforts, BM and I are not nor will be, friends.  She also has DESERTED her child with us multiple times, and we had been raising D for the past 2 years without any sort of support or interest from BM except that which D initiated through contact. I'm not even saying 1/2 of what's gone on....

Oh, and guess what...we FOUGHT to add more children to this relationship.  We beat infertility and added K and E, who are now 6 and 5 to this mess.  I love D and I love my husband, B, but there is NO WAY in the friggen WORLD that I would have ever added children to this if I knew we'd still be going through this.  There is absolutely NO WAY I knew what I was getting into.  And NO WAY would I have entered or stayed in, or brought more children in if I knew we'd still be here.

And, there's no WAY you can change my mind on that.  So please don't bother.

I have had some of the most well-meaning people....best friends and family call me a lousy mother, tell me I was wrong for staying in this relationship, all but decide what was "right" for me and the littles....but a family is EVERYONE in it...so we're trying to keep the FAMILY together while ONE person is trying DESPERATELY to tear it apart because she can't feel safe in her own skin.

And even though she's not currently IN our home right now, due largely to actions of HER doing, she is STILL bringing the drama, and bringing in many others, too.  Granted, a lot of issues in her life are because of things that were done TO her....but NOT by us.  I HAVE dealt with children/teens in crisis before.  I've dealt with angst-filled teens before...this is SOOOOO beyond me, beyond us, beyond our whole team.

I seriously do NOT see the light at the end of this tunnel right now.  And please...even as supportive as I know my friends are...please do NOT right now tell me that she will wake up one day and appreciate/understand all I have done and will become a miraculously wonderful person.  Because she IS a miraculously wonderful person RIGHT NOW...she just WILL NOT see it and proceeds to drag a big black paint-brush over everything beautiful in her life.

I'm hoping to jot this down to get some of my own feelings out of the way.  I think it's wonderful that all these people "within the system" are telling B and I that we are wonderful parents and have a wonderful home and are doing wonderful *gag, barf* things within our family and we have wonderful children....it is strangely validating....and it makes me want to apologize to anyone I've ever wondered about when their children "mess up"....but right now, my THIRD most important job in the world (1st-daughter to God, 2nd-wife to B, 3rd, mother to D, K, E) is failing, and I'm not strong enough to pull it together.  She's exhibiting team-splitting behaviors now, trying to sabotage any and every good thing that could come out of this.

We need prayers for strength in the journey, or wisdom to know when enough is enough and when we need to just give up. :(

Yes, this is definitely a "vacuum" entry.

Trying to figure out what to say...

Well, that's not exactly it.  I have a LOT I could say... a lot has happened....a lot is in my heart.

I guess I'm trying to figure out who needs to know what, when, where, and how much.

How to elevate your butt, and other such nonsense

So, my butt and body still aren't okay.  I posted on FB today my owies and of course, my friends get giggles from my life stories...or maybe in the way I TELL the stories....


My stepsister suggested I RICE (Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation) and then there was teasing back and forth on how I'd elevate my arse...well, let me tell you, it ain't pretty, but I have been doing it....and I still feel like I jolted all the way through my brain....


And then one of my friends from forever reminded me that having a chair go to smithereens underneath you at 10 just produces a room full of laughs...but at, um, not 10 anymore, not so much laughter....of course I am sitting here giggling at the memory of my patient trying to pull ME up off the ground giving me HIS hand from his wheelchair...yeah, that would have been even prettier.


Add to it the fact that I posted on FB about how Hubs and I got the giggles listening to a Scooter Store commercial realizing I MAY qualify for one FREE...and THEN my Hubs' niece posts "yeah, I'm working right now, call me"...and I had COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN she works at the Scooter Store....


um, yeah...getting old SUCKS!

More craziness

K is traumatized.  Really traumatized.  Hubs is trying to get K distracted so E can play a new game (when you're 6, you always want to help the 4 year old whether or not she wants it)...and he tried to get K to play her "Sims" game.

K: don't you remember, dad? I can't play anymore...I killed my family...well, it's not like I killed them, I just got too busy to remember to take care of them...like I guess I could at breakfast and lunch and then they'd stay alive....

...so she's trying to schedule life so she can keep her Sims alive, should she decide she wants to play again.

***update....we talked her into playing Sims again..you know, like getting back on the horse that bucked you...um, yeah...within an hour she had killed her dog ((smack forehead))....dang you, Sims.....oh, and SD didn't help by walking by and saying "SIMS Killer".....DOH!

Breathtaking E moment

My E is 4 years old.  I have very precocious kids anyhow.  Seriously.  My kids crack me up.  I don't have any idea where they come up with the stuff they do.

Our family watches "Wipeout"....it's one of our favorite ever...this is a conversation at our house the other day:

E: Dad, wouldn't it be funny if they put sharks in the water in "Wipeout" and the sharks ate the people that fell in?
(yipes, right?)

Well, yesterday, we were watching "Wipeout" and they did have sharks in the water...fake ones.  Here's the convo:
Hubs: see, E...they have sharks now on "Wipeout"
E: But, they're not real sharks, just rubber ones...what good does THAT do?!
(yipes, again, right?)

To the IRS:

Thank you so much for acknowledging, finally, my natural born children as valid deductions.  It's been 4 months of waiting with fear and anxiety to see if I was going to have to turn back in last year's tax return because of the error in 2009's return.  I was about to send you pictures of their deliveries, but I'm glad I didn't have to do so, honestly.

IRS...you suck.  The fact that someone WASN'T supposed to claim a child and did, I can understand you make us both prove who had "dibs" to that child.  Thank you so much for finding us okay in that last year....but to say that my 2 NATURAL BORN CHILDREN may not be valid deductions?!?  What kinda crack were you smoking?!

Hmmmm.....still find it interesting that if I was found to owe THEM more money, they would charge me interest, but even though I was found justified, they won't give me interest....hmmmm...

I am a documented klutz!

No really!  I am like, I think, the only person I can think of who is klutzy enough to work mostly from home, and yet still have to fill out a first report of injury.
Moral of this story....don't trust a chair.  I know...we tell our kids and others that chairs can be trusted to hold our weight because that's what they do.  I've even used that example to talk about how we can have faith that God will do what He says just as we have faith that a chair will hold us up.  Hmmm...gotta change that analogy up a little.
I was at a home visit and about completed with it and went to adjust my weight/pull myself up and had one of those time/space continuum melding...you know? Where everything goes still and you can feel yourself falling and there's nothing you can do.  Um, yeah.

Now my legs, arms, neck, and ass hurt. I reported it in case I need extra support tomorrow...but today I was just embarrassed as hell.  Made some joke that this is God's sign I need to stop eating as much. Let's hope my embarrassment is the worst thing that I suffer from this situation.

After waking up this morning from my fall yesterday, it has dawned on me that utilizing the chair example is trite and could have hurt people, so I'm apologizing to everyone I randomly said "have faith in God like a chair can hold you"....now I will doubt chairs as I sit in them....and I realize, truly realize that faith in God is not as easy especially if you've been let down before.....God can be trusted, but people will let you down.  And once you've had too many people hurt you, it's hard to trust or believe that God won't do the same.  Just like from now on, you can bet I'm moving around on chairs to make sure they will hold me and not splinter underneath me.

Depression sucks

I'm writing this on behalf of myself, and some dear dear friends who have been fighting tremendous battles with depression.
I'll add to this later, but I found a quote I like and I'm adding as one of my widgets.  Hopefully it'll explain exactly how I feel.
To all my friends hanging on by a hope and a prayer...it does get better. Hold on.

A certain home improvement store

Oh, yes, I'm going there.  I'm calling out a certain home improvement store for one of the worst shopping experiences I have ever had.

Those of you who have been around me for a while know that I have started "extreme deal shopping".  I don't have time to cut coupons, so I do the same thing online.  I have a few blogs I follow and I seize the best deals when I can. My father in law calls it "going broke saving money"....but he and I are now involved in friendly competition as to who gets the best deals.  Thank God the other day I sent him via email a deal I found to see if he thought it was a good deal...

I found a ridiculous deal for a very well known name brand dishwasher, and our family needed one.  Mind you, the ENTIRE reason I thought about getting the dishwasher was because I keep telling my honey time is money.  So we determined this truly was a good deal, and I went online to purchase it.  I went through the blog site but verified it through the home improvement site to make sure I wasn't getting taken.  I also had it logged through a money back site which would've given me an additional 7% back...ANNNND I had planned to finalize the purchase through my father in law which would've granted me an additional 10% military discount.

So, as I do, late at night, I go in to make my purchase.  It goes through without a hitch.  Um, yeah....until I have put in my credit card and pushed enter.  Got a message stating there was a glitch and it gave some code like -5 or -1 and told me to call customer service or try again.  Of course, they are closed...why the hell wouldn't they be?!  I tried 3-5 more times and I figure it'd either blow up my credit card or go through.  The next morning, earlier than I like being awake, I started calling, and customer care says "ma'am, we can't even find the inventory # of the object you are trying to purchase".  I worked through it with them for a while, and he finally found where I was legit, and he said he would let the local store know that they needed to call me and arrange my free delivery.

So, I get a call from the local store when I'm on the road for work, and despite my tries, we keep losing each other.  When I attempt once home, I'm asked by the manager on duty if I'm sure I didn't get this deal at the other home improvement place.  Is this enough to make me give up?  NOOOO because by God, they sold me the sucker at a great ridiculous price and I am GOING to get it!  I always think it's amazing when you push something through, and what they didn't even know about one moment, they don't have in stock the next moment.

Oh get this....on a phone call, I FINALLY got my point across to them and they were willing to sell me the dishwasher they had never heard of and wasn't in stock.  They send me up to the front where of course no one knows what I'm talking about and I have to tell my story again, and then....yeah, you got it...I got disconnected.

And I'm STILL trying for the dingdang dishwasher!  I try again, and it dawned on me as I was giving them my credit card # to ask how much it'll be.  Oh, it's the bonus price of....$200 more than what I was trying for, and delivery only $79!  Um...no...patch me back through to the guy I was on with earlier....oh of COURSE he's at lunch at 8 o'clock at night...why wouldn't he be?

Back and forth and back and forth...finally I had to pull up from my email archives the conversation and link to the blog I had sent to my father in law. I printed it up, took it to the guy, and purchased the dagnab dishwasher minus the cashback and minus the military discount.  Scheduled for delivery, which I had to fight for, too. I called them on it, though, and I kept pushing.  I let them know that I got the deal through a blog site and would crucify them on the blog site and every social networking and personal friendship opportunity I knew because it was bait and switch.  That they were either dragging their feet because I'm a woman, or because they didn't want to take the loss because I did get such a good deal.

Days later....I stay at home waiting for the dishwasher.  AFTER the delivery window is done, they call me and let me know it's not in yet.

When I call them, they say the dishwasher isn't even available anymore, yet they'll have it out to me by next Friday.  So I deal with yet ANOTHER manager, and I get what I need...except they will not concede anything to me for my troubles except 10% discount off my next purchase.  Which of course, I can get ANYHOW through my father in law!

Oh, and the dishwasher took my father in law and my husband about 5 hours to install, didn't come with the electric plug, copper tubing or some other stuff that they had to go back and purchase anyhow.

BANG HEAD BANG HEAD BANG HEAD.

Okay...so, time is money, right?  Um, yeah.  My bargain priced dishwasher cost me more than its retail price if we look at it that way.  UGH!  Home improvement store, you SUCK!

****Update****blasted thing---door broke already....NOT Ms. Happy camper here.....

One of my most favorite jokes ever (punchline is NOT kid friendly as written here)

Total non-suckage joke here (well, in my opinion, of course)....and the joke base itself is NOT original, but I added in the blah blah blah details.  You know how you think you've told one friend every joke you could ever imagine?  Well I found out today that one of my friends didn't know THIS joke.  I don't know that jokes have a title per se, but this joke would be named "that's nice, that's REAAAAAAAL nice" if I got to name it.

So, these three old biddies were sittin' on the porch, just rockin' away in their rockin' chairs.

First one says: "My JimBob loves me sooooooo much, he got me one of them new fandangled cars that starts itself up in the winter time and has a behind warmer and everything".

Second one says: "oh, wow, he must reallly love you".

Third one says: "That's nice, that's REAAAAAAAAL nice".

Second biddy says: "Well, that ain't nothin'...my RayRay loves me soooooo much, he got me my own MP3 player, and I can download all the music and things I want whenever and he says he won't never complain about the music I put on it".

First one says: "oh, that's lovely, dear".

Third one says: "That's nice, that's REAAAAAAAAAL nice".

Well, of course, how biddies are, the 1st 2 look at the 3rd one and they ask her "Well, doesn't your DonnieJoe love you at'all anymore? What's he done for you?"

So the Third one says: "Well, I didn't want to be a'braggin, so I didn't say nothin', but my DonnieJoe loves me sooooooo much, he sent me to finishin' school!"

First and Second Biddy say: "Finishin' School?! Now, what in tarnation's type of gift is that?!"

Third Biddy says: "Well, now, instead of embarrassin' him and me by saying things like 'I just don't give a shit' I say 'that's nice, that's REAAAAAAAAAAAAL nice'"!!!!

Let's start out with a negative vacuum post

When I teased my friends about wanting to start blogging so I could say how much things did (or didn't) suck, a lot more people than I thought said that they would read it.  So it's their fault, okay?


Of course, when I start actually trying to WRITE the dang thing, I get writer's block.  One of my best friends in the wholewide-ever world reminded me about one of the best times ever!


There are some times in your life where you do stupid things, and no one sees it....like the time I came back from going out with friends and tipped over an entire 44 ounce thing of water and thought I wet myself.


There are other times where you do stupid things and you WISH no one saw it...like the time I knocked over an entire gazebo and tried to act like I was all cool and didn't do anything.....


....and then there are the times where, well, you're glad you are with EXACTLY the person you need to be with when you do something stupid.


Oh, and yeah....I don't have a lot of close friends, but the ones I do have are my forever friends, so I will talk about my different friends, and don't worry....if you don't know about it happening, any given story isn't about you....if you want me to use names, I will, but I just like saying "friend" or "BFF"....


There was a period of time where I partied.  A LOT.  Like a lot, a lot.  Shush, don't tell my children.  They don't know.  Well, the oldest one does because I'm trying to convince her partying is bad and evil and she'd better not ever do it.  'Cuz she's a teen and my job is to make her life hell.  Okay, sorry...I am back on point now....


Partying.  Yes.  I had a point in my life where all I did was work hard and party even harder.  Sorry if you missed it.  The company I worked for an hour away from home didn't want to risk me driving home exhausted after a shift and crashing or even worse, driving home after partying after a shift, so they put me up at a hotel.  I had no attachments to my responsibilities at home, so I pretty much lived at the hotel.  I was blessed to become best friends with one of the desk auditors and we spent the next year hanging out any chance we got.


One of the BEST NIGHTS EVER we had spent going from place to place to place.  I wouldn't recommend this or the next part to anyone, but it does make for awesome story now....we were getting ready for me to drive him home.  I just had to aim the car, get him home, turn the car around, make one more turn and I was at the hotel....Well, we get in the car, and I'm supposed to be driving.  After a few minutes, I turn to my friend and say "the car's broken".  He looks at me and says "what do you mean, it's broken?"  I proceed to tell him how the dang car's broken cuz it's not moving and won't go into gear so we can get it moving.


A couple of seconds pass....he tells me very calmly.....


"Um, babe....keys aren't in the ignition".


See....these type of stories are what will get a "negative vacuum" rating on this blog.  These are stories that make up my happy place and don't suck at all.

Intro to my blogging style

Every now and then, I feel the need to express myself in a way that isn't necessarily considered "Socially acceptable".....but because choking people until they pass out and then doing inexplicable things to them until they wake up and repeating....well, that just isn't nice.....I have decided I will join the blogging craze.  Yep, me.  


Now, I don't guarantee to be nice.  In fact, sometimes, I'll be downright mean, but this blog will hopefully help me explain some of my life and why at times, life just sucks, and what parts of my life suck more (and less) than others.


For those of you just stumbling across my blog in cyberspace, you may be wondering who I am.  Well, first of all, if you don't know me, I'm a little on the strange side, and I have had some really cool and awesome things in my life, but then I've also had some of the most surreal strange, almost fictional things in my life, too.


In fact, a lot of my current life's thoughts are spent on trying to figure out just what the heck has happened in my past.   Once again, reason for this blog.


You will find out pretty soon that I like telling stories.  I will tell you when these stories are true to the best of my recollection, and I will tell you when they are stories I've heard from somewhere else, or if I'm just pullin' something out of my keister just to do it.  


I do tend to have run-on thoughts and sentences, but flat out grammar issues drive me insane.  If you see gross errors, please let me know.  If I catch them myself, I will wonder how long they were out there....kinda like when you look in the mirror and see that big'ol booger out your nose and you're wondering how long it was there?  Yep, like that.


Hopefully, people read this and I hope I provide laughter and even a "whoa, thank God that's not me" approach to life.  However, I will warn you...if I vent and something I say offends you, then please consider not reading my blog again.  I have a few pet peeves, and one of them is when people CHOOSE to read something I've written and then tell me I shouldn't have said/written that.  That being said, I will try to place warnings on my blog entries that have anything on them that would scar young eyes.  And I do have to considerate of that, since I have a young reader who looks over my shoulder and starts reading along with me, complete with "Momma, what does xxxxxxxxxx mean?"  If I wouldn't want my child to read it, I'll try and post a warning on the title before you waste time reading it yourself.


As for my life and my children....I will refer to my children by letters only.  If you're reading this and want to respond, please do in same.  No, I haven't labeled them "ABC"...I will use the first letter of their name, unless I am changing their identity to protect a guilty party.  If this occurs, I will say "one of my children" or DD (Dear Daughter) or DSD (Dear Stepdaughter).  I tend to use a lot of abbreviations, basically because I have been involved in computer forums for waaaaaay too long and don't have time to type everything out, so I skip steps....and sometimes just because I forget.  If I use a term you don't know, and you want to know, drop me a line and I'll fix it.


One more thing.  I have chosen to moderate this blog.  My thoughts are my own.  Your opinions are yours' and are valid....but this blog is MY little corner of the universe and I will control it the way I want......BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!