Trying....

Need some serious prayers throughout the next few days.  Will post more later, but I feel this part summarizes this best...."We're just going to have to trust God and the experts that things are ready".....

Glimpse into my heart right now

When there's more questions than answers and no end in sight, how do you deal with a loss that isn't there yet is so palpable it's like someone cut out your heart? 

And please, if you mean well and are going to say something about the Lord and His will, I just don't see that any of this was in His plan at all....and if so, there's the "more questions" part of the situation. 

I've heard people say He allows stuff to make us stronger...I don't need anymore strength. To make us bigger...I don't need to be bigger...His thoughts are higher...well, this seems pretty dadgum low to let a family be split, but not all the way and not sure if there is a split and for how long, and can someone please explain all this to my littles?

I'm okay with my questions...it's THEIR responses to what's going on that's killing me....and because there's no solution or resolution, it's like a gaping wound.

I guess I need peace, or understanding...or grace... or something. I know I don't NEED to understand His will...I just would like to know where His will is in any of this and how to maneuver my day to day when part of our lives are deeply and desperately missing, of very little fault of our own. And I know as smart as you my friends are, none of you would even pretend to know that. So I guess we just still need prayers.

Reasons why you may NOT want to sit next to us at a soccer game!

Said by me:  #7, keep your leg down!

Said by my husband: Ref, if you're going to have that thing in your mouth, you might as well use it!

Said by my father-in-law: Who the heck are these people and why do I have their children?!

communi-tee outreach (sorry, I had to)

Songear.com has asked that some bloggers help them get their name out there.  This is the first review I am going to do, so please let me know if I do it right or wrong or if there's something I need to put.  I may or may not get a t-shirt for doing this, but I like the site for Christian t-shirts and I always get distracted when I'm about to order because there's like 50 gajillion designs I like there.  They have all different sizes and are very comparable in price to other t-shirt sites I've seen.  I have like a total of 10 followers to my blog, so I don't know how helpful I'll be, but you never know!

What I want right now....

A very sloppy burger with cheese. And french fries. And a really huge soda.
No regrets.
Until tomorrow when I check my blood sugar.
Because  I'm a rebel like that.

things that make me want to cry

When I see my children following footsteps they think are "normal" to follow.

When I run up and try and grab them away from the footsteps, not realizing that in doing this,

I'm automatically labeling the footsteps they are in as "wrong" 

When I'm part of the reason the footsteps exist in the first place.

I spend all day trying to "help" keep the peace around here
And then I realize, I'm part of the problem, 
And if I just let the process go, my husband, my coparent 
Deals with it just fine.  
And by jumping in, I may have just diminished his authority in the view of our children.

I realize we are hurting.  We're hurting bad.  We're trying, but we're human.

We have intense feelings of rejection and misunderstandings right now.

Anytime we reach out, it seems like someone has a solution, an idea, a way to do it better.

But no one comes alongside us to walk this rough road with us.

And it just adds to the hurt, the frustrations, the pain.  The things that make me want to cry.

Rules of my heart...

Just because you love them...
...does not mean you will get love shown back....
...does not mean you will not get hurt...
...does not mean they will not leave you...
...does not mean they will make smart decisions...
...does not mean they will grow up and make you proud.

When they...

...do not show you love in return...

...hurt you...

...leave you...

...do not make smart decisions...

...make you feel ashamed as they grow up...

It doesn't mean you didn't love them with EVERY fiber of your being.

When I tell you...
...it hurts to keep loving when love is not shown in return...
...it hurts when you hurt me...
...it hurts when you leave me...
...it hurts when you do not make smart decisions...
...it hurts when I feel ashamed as you grow up...
Believe me, that does NOT diminish the amount of love I have for you.

But when I...

...hold you at arms' length so I can't tell when my love is being denied...

...walk away before your words or actions can hurt me...

...don't let you back in so you have another chance to leave me...

...don't want to hear about your decisions that are only going to hurt you and the ones who love you...

...cry as you grow up and deliberately walk away from the way you were raised...

Please respect me as I learn and grow and mourn the losses from my expectations and my needs.  

I cannot walk away from what I need even as I'm trying to learn what you think you need.  I do love you, but sometimes loving someone means learning to love oneself enough to know ones own limitations.  If such behavior is not labeled as "selfishness" on your behalf, then I am taking such limitations and expectations and applying them to my life.  I am learning my limitations/expectations as I am learning yours' and I hope one day we will be able to again show and live the love we have/had for each other.

Inhale sharply....because life is a vacuum....