Reasons why you may NOT want to sit next to us at a soccer game!

Said by me:  #7, keep your leg down!

Said by my husband: Ref, if you're going to have that thing in your mouth, you might as well use it!

Said by my father-in-law: Who the heck are these people and why do I have their children?!

communi-tee outreach (sorry, I had to)

Songear.com has asked that some bloggers help them get their name out there.  This is the first review I am going to do, so please let me know if I do it right or wrong or if there's something I need to put.  I may or may not get a t-shirt for doing this, but I like the site for Christian t-shirts and I always get distracted when I'm about to order because there's like 50 gajillion designs I like there.  They have all different sizes and are very comparable in price to other t-shirt sites I've seen.  I have like a total of 10 followers to my blog, so I don't know how helpful I'll be, but you never know!

What I want right now....

A very sloppy burger with cheese. And french fries. And a really huge soda.
No regrets.
Until tomorrow when I check my blood sugar.
Because  I'm a rebel like that.

things that make me want to cry

When I see my children following footsteps they think are "normal" to follow.

When I run up and try and grab them away from the footsteps, not realizing that in doing this,

I'm automatically labeling the footsteps they are in as "wrong" 

When I'm part of the reason the footsteps exist in the first place.

I spend all day trying to "help" keep the peace around here
And then I realize, I'm part of the problem, 
And if I just let the process go, my husband, my coparent 
Deals with it just fine.  
And by jumping in, I may have just diminished his authority in the view of our children.

I realize we are hurting.  We're hurting bad.  We're trying, but we're human.

We have intense feelings of rejection and misunderstandings right now.

Anytime we reach out, it seems like someone has a solution, an idea, a way to do it better.

But no one comes alongside us to walk this rough road with us.

And it just adds to the hurt, the frustrations, the pain.  The things that make me want to cry.

Rules of my heart...

Just because you love them...
...does not mean you will get love shown back....
...does not mean you will not get hurt...
...does not mean they will not leave you...
...does not mean they will make smart decisions...
...does not mean they will grow up and make you proud.

When they...

...do not show you love in return...

...hurt you...

...leave you...

...do not make smart decisions...

...make you feel ashamed as they grow up...

It doesn't mean you didn't love them with EVERY fiber of your being.

When I tell you...
...it hurts to keep loving when love is not shown in return...
...it hurts when you hurt me...
...it hurts when you leave me...
...it hurts when you do not make smart decisions...
...it hurts when I feel ashamed as you grow up...
Believe me, that does NOT diminish the amount of love I have for you.

But when I...

...hold you at arms' length so I can't tell when my love is being denied...

...walk away before your words or actions can hurt me...

...don't let you back in so you have another chance to leave me...

...don't want to hear about your decisions that are only going to hurt you and the ones who love you...

...cry as you grow up and deliberately walk away from the way you were raised...

Please respect me as I learn and grow and mourn the losses from my expectations and my needs.  

I cannot walk away from what I need even as I'm trying to learn what you think you need.  I do love you, but sometimes loving someone means learning to love oneself enough to know ones own limitations.  If such behavior is not labeled as "selfishness" on your behalf, then I am taking such limitations and expectations and applying them to my life.  I am learning my limitations/expectations as I am learning yours' and I hope one day we will be able to again show and live the love we have/had for each other.

Inhale sharply....because life is a vacuum....

Searching for new placement....

About 12 ZsuZsu pets that "decided" at 4:30 AM to activate....yes, all of them.

And for some reason, I am awake.  I have been asleep for HOURS at the computer, and I woke up about 4 AM.  I am TRYING to get back to sleepiness to be able to finish out the night.

Oh, the random noises coming from these "things"....

If you ever want to have a heart attack and pee your pants all at the same time...Put about 12 of them together and have just ONE of them go off for some reason. If you don't have a clue what I'm talking about, I will be GLAD to loan you a bunch. Right now. Just tell me in which direction I need to aim them.


Now please excuse me while I go calm my heart down and go practice my Kegel exercises!  Although you do find out rather quickly exactly what is in your heart when this happens.  I'm doing okay right now!


File under: moments that take your breath away...literally....HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

What I need

I need the world to stop revolving around one person whose axis is so screwed up it throws us all off as we go round and round.  Just in case anyone cares.

I have the most supportive friends ever

Today's obviously been a rough day.  My friends are rallying around me.  Just got this sent to me on facebook, tagged so I would find it easily.  Now, it's snagged, so I hope I'm okay in posting it, but I just feel so stinking loved right now, I have to brag on the friends Jesus gave me!

Love you, Kacy....and ALL my other friends who have been a huge hug from the Father God to me today...with scripture verses, encouragement, phone calls, texts, facebook messages and everything!

And then...the moments that take your breath away....

...when your 5 and 6 year old go racing through the house singing at the top of their lungs "you get knocked up, you get back up again....you may be knocked up but not there forever"....

...in praying to ask Jesus to forgive them for being mean to sister...."and Jesus help me to....K..shut UP, I'm talking to Jesus about you!"

...on a 3 hour trip....E: we there yet? Me: no.  E: okay, I'll be patient.  ONE minute later E: we there yet?

B in homeschooling the kids is teaching them Bible verses and concepts....In Ephesians, it talks about honoring your parents.  The kids HAVE that concept down, that they're supposed to TRY and do that.  What they REALLY understand is the next part....Father's don't exasperate your children....K last night "but you DO THAT all the time, daddy"....so we're having to tune that concept up again in that repeatedly asking for obedience and causing frustration is NOT exasperation!

...at the end of a rough day...E: I love you mommy.  And of course, I forgot to say it.  E:  MOMMY, I SAID I LOVE YOU, are you forgetting something?.  So I say "I love you, too darlin'."  She gets me EVERY TIME...E: I love you mostest, but guess who loves you more than me?  Thaaaaaaaaat's right momma...Jesus does, and don't you forget it!

My ecumenical child

We were passing by a home last night that has electric candelabras in each window.


K: I wonder if they celebrate Honolulu?  You know, that holiday we don't celebrate?


Um, yeah, it took us a while, too!

Most powerful song in my life at this time.

And yes, I cried like a baby at church yesterday when they played it.  I'm a mess.

my life...in a nutshell...or my life IS a nutshell? Can't figure that out

Wow...if I told you 1/2 of our summer's journeys, you wouldn't believe it.

I had posted back in July, and just was reminded by one of my dearest friends ever, that I had better blog or I was in danger of exploding and taking out this side of the US with my fall-out.

I may joke/complain/urgh about being a momma, but it is truly one of the best jobs I have ever been given.  If you decide to keep reading, please keep that in mind.  I LOVE all my children.  The rest of this post is NOT a pleasant one.  Please read and heed the warning.  I'm blogging so I don't explode, seriously.

HUMONGO WARNING HERE....TOUCHY SUBJECTS..DO NOT READ AND THEN COME BACK AT ME EVER ABOUT WHAT YOU READ!!!  JUST STOP READING NOW.

For some background:  I was told I was infertile. When I met my husband (this time around) his daughter was 4.  I knew there were issues...I know "that side of the family"....But I was thrilled to be blessed with a child.  While we were dating, I read all the "blended family" and "boundary" and "step family" information there was.  I was understanding when we had to shorten dates to get his daughter medicine.  I kept my mouth shut when his ex, whom I'd known for years told me she didn't care "who the eff ex dated as long as he paid the bills" and "she only kept the brat around because she paid bills".

Major issues. But I'm in love.  I STILL AM in love. But 10 years later, we are still dealing with same issues.  Except now they're uglier and more poison, and are evil and threatening.  The 4 year old who used to throw fits is now throwing THINGs.  While she used to scream, now she's cursing, cutting, journaling VILE things and running away from home.  What used to be protective lying behavior because her "mom can't live without" her is now, well, I don't know.  She's either a really good liar, really good forgetter, has very severe PTSD or is a spoiled brat to beat all spoiled brats and is pissed because she's not getting exactly what she wants WHEN she wants it....or all of those altogether.

B  & I have been married now for 8 years.  In those 8 years, I have had 5 police reports on my behalf against D's mom.  D's mom (BM=birthmom) has attempted to get B and I fired, she has turned in my nursing license, discontinued our cellphones, turned off our home utilities, had my van surrounded by SWAT response with my child in the van.....needless to say, despite all efforts, BM and I are not nor will be, friends.  She also has DESERTED her child with us multiple times, and we had been raising D for the past 2 years without any sort of support or interest from BM except that which D initiated through contact. I'm not even saying 1/2 of what's gone on....

Oh, and guess what...we FOUGHT to add more children to this relationship.  We beat infertility and added K and E, who are now 6 and 5 to this mess.  I love D and I love my husband, B, but there is NO WAY in the friggen WORLD that I would have ever added children to this if I knew we'd still be going through this.  There is absolutely NO WAY I knew what I was getting into.  And NO WAY would I have entered or stayed in, or brought more children in if I knew we'd still be here.

And, there's no WAY you can change my mind on that.  So please don't bother.

I have had some of the most well-meaning people....best friends and family call me a lousy mother, tell me I was wrong for staying in this relationship, all but decide what was "right" for me and the littles....but a family is EVERYONE in it...so we're trying to keep the FAMILY together while ONE person is trying DESPERATELY to tear it apart because she can't feel safe in her own skin.

And even though she's not currently IN our home right now, due largely to actions of HER doing, she is STILL bringing the drama, and bringing in many others, too.  Granted, a lot of issues in her life are because of things that were done TO her....but NOT by us.  I HAVE dealt with children/teens in crisis before.  I've dealt with angst-filled teens before...this is SOOOOO beyond me, beyond us, beyond our whole team.

I seriously do NOT see the light at the end of this tunnel right now.  And please...even as supportive as I know my friends are...please do NOT right now tell me that she will wake up one day and appreciate/understand all I have done and will become a miraculously wonderful person.  Because she IS a miraculously wonderful person RIGHT NOW...she just WILL NOT see it and proceeds to drag a big black paint-brush over everything beautiful in her life.

I'm hoping to jot this down to get some of my own feelings out of the way.  I think it's wonderful that all these people "within the system" are telling B and I that we are wonderful parents and have a wonderful home and are doing wonderful *gag, barf* things within our family and we have wonderful children....it is strangely validating....and it makes me want to apologize to anyone I've ever wondered about when their children "mess up"....but right now, my THIRD most important job in the world (1st-daughter to God, 2nd-wife to B, 3rd, mother to D, K, E) is failing, and I'm not strong enough to pull it together.  She's exhibiting team-splitting behaviors now, trying to sabotage any and every good thing that could come out of this.

We need prayers for strength in the journey, or wisdom to know when enough is enough and when we need to just give up. :(

Yes, this is definitely a "vacuum" entry.