my life...in a nutshell...or my life IS a nutshell? Can't figure that out

Wow...if I told you 1/2 of our summer's journeys, you wouldn't believe it.

I had posted back in July, and just was reminded by one of my dearest friends ever, that I had better blog or I was in danger of exploding and taking out this side of the US with my fall-out.

I may joke/complain/urgh about being a momma, but it is truly one of the best jobs I have ever been given.  If you decide to keep reading, please keep that in mind.  I LOVE all my children.  The rest of this post is NOT a pleasant one.  Please read and heed the warning.  I'm blogging so I don't explode, seriously.

HUMONGO WARNING HERE....TOUCHY SUBJECTS..DO NOT READ AND THEN COME BACK AT ME EVER ABOUT WHAT YOU READ!!!  JUST STOP READING NOW.

For some background:  I was told I was infertile. When I met my husband (this time around) his daughter was 4.  I knew there were issues...I know "that side of the family"....But I was thrilled to be blessed with a child.  While we were dating, I read all the "blended family" and "boundary" and "step family" information there was.  I was understanding when we had to shorten dates to get his daughter medicine.  I kept my mouth shut when his ex, whom I'd known for years told me she didn't care "who the eff ex dated as long as he paid the bills" and "she only kept the brat around because she paid bills".

Major issues. But I'm in love.  I STILL AM in love. But 10 years later, we are still dealing with same issues.  Except now they're uglier and more poison, and are evil and threatening.  The 4 year old who used to throw fits is now throwing THINGs.  While she used to scream, now she's cursing, cutting, journaling VILE things and running away from home.  What used to be protective lying behavior because her "mom can't live without" her is now, well, I don't know.  She's either a really good liar, really good forgetter, has very severe PTSD or is a spoiled brat to beat all spoiled brats and is pissed because she's not getting exactly what she wants WHEN she wants it....or all of those altogether.

B  & I have been married now for 8 years.  In those 8 years, I have had 5 police reports on my behalf against D's mom.  D's mom (BM=birthmom) has attempted to get B and I fired, she has turned in my nursing license, discontinued our cellphones, turned off our home utilities, had my van surrounded by SWAT response with my child in the van.....needless to say, despite all efforts, BM and I are not nor will be, friends.  She also has DESERTED her child with us multiple times, and we had been raising D for the past 2 years without any sort of support or interest from BM except that which D initiated through contact. I'm not even saying 1/2 of what's gone on....

Oh, and guess what...we FOUGHT to add more children to this relationship.  We beat infertility and added K and E, who are now 6 and 5 to this mess.  I love D and I love my husband, B, but there is NO WAY in the friggen WORLD that I would have ever added children to this if I knew we'd still be going through this.  There is absolutely NO WAY I knew what I was getting into.  And NO WAY would I have entered or stayed in, or brought more children in if I knew we'd still be here.

And, there's no WAY you can change my mind on that.  So please don't bother.

I have had some of the most well-meaning people....best friends and family call me a lousy mother, tell me I was wrong for staying in this relationship, all but decide what was "right" for me and the littles....but a family is EVERYONE in it...so we're trying to keep the FAMILY together while ONE person is trying DESPERATELY to tear it apart because she can't feel safe in her own skin.

And even though she's not currently IN our home right now, due largely to actions of HER doing, she is STILL bringing the drama, and bringing in many others, too.  Granted, a lot of issues in her life are because of things that were done TO her....but NOT by us.  I HAVE dealt with children/teens in crisis before.  I've dealt with angst-filled teens before...this is SOOOOO beyond me, beyond us, beyond our whole team.

I seriously do NOT see the light at the end of this tunnel right now.  And please...even as supportive as I know my friends are...please do NOT right now tell me that she will wake up one day and appreciate/understand all I have done and will become a miraculously wonderful person.  Because she IS a miraculously wonderful person RIGHT NOW...she just WILL NOT see it and proceeds to drag a big black paint-brush over everything beautiful in her life.

I'm hoping to jot this down to get some of my own feelings out of the way.  I think it's wonderful that all these people "within the system" are telling B and I that we are wonderful parents and have a wonderful home and are doing wonderful *gag, barf* things within our family and we have wonderful children....it is strangely validating....and it makes me want to apologize to anyone I've ever wondered about when their children "mess up"....but right now, my THIRD most important job in the world (1st-daughter to God, 2nd-wife to B, 3rd, mother to D, K, E) is failing, and I'm not strong enough to pull it together.  She's exhibiting team-splitting behaviors now, trying to sabotage any and every good thing that could come out of this.

We need prayers for strength in the journey, or wisdom to know when enough is enough and when we need to just give up. :(

Yes, this is definitely a "vacuum" entry.