I have said for a while that I am an equal-opportunity hater.  I'd also like to think I'm a fair pisser offer.  If you're mean, it doesn't matter who you are, what you look like, etc...I don't have time for you. 

Well, hang onto your seatbelts, because here comes my latest rant and you may need to either hope the seatbelt holds, or that it gives and expels you into that great blue yonder.

So, here's my latest set of thoughts.

Be who you are and own it.  Anything else, and I don't have time for you and your sniveling.  If you're going to be straight, gay, bi, Christian, agnostic, atheist, other religion, homeschool, unschool, other school, prolife, prochoice, hunter, animal right activist, um, you get the point....OWN IT.

However, don't expect to be able to change my way of thoughts, very much in the same way I will respect your belief system and not try to change yours'.  Unless you're a meanie poopie head.  Then your arguments are invalid and don't count.

Please understand, when I say "own it" I don't mean "flaunt it" or "throw it in people's faces".  There's something to be said about a deeply held conviction when you don't have to be ostentatious to prove you hold such.

I've warned for years that one should not bring me into an argument assuming I will be on one's side.  To assume that is just as faulty as assuming that I am overweight because I am gluttonous.  Both examples also would prove how much one truly does NOT know me.

So, I'm about to piss a lot of people off.  I ran through this with my husband, and he teased that I may not have ANY friends after this.  Actually, I hope this does make some people mad.  At themselves.

Social issues that are dividing in nature should be kept under tight control.  In other words, hold your convictions.  Own them...but be careful in sharing them because you could isolate the very person you NEED beside you in times of desperation.

Here is where I start really stepping on toes, so if you don't want to know, stop reading here.

On such hot topics as gay rights and unions...if you're not gay, don't know any gays, don't love any gays, don't want to marry any gays, then you don't have an opinion and you need to zip it.  Extending rights to people who just want to love each other will NEVER diminish the rights of anyone else trying to love each other.  Now, on that same issue, unless you want me and MY honey playing grab-ass and tonsil-hockey in public in front of YOUR children, please do not do this in front of my kids, my family.  I have NO need to bring my bedroom outside of my house.  I am secure in our relationship and I hope you can obtain that same security in your relationship. 

If you are liberal or conservative or just don't give a crap, please stay respectful.  Such terms as "stupid" and words that tear down do not do anything to make your point.  They make you sound uneducated and actually diminish whatever important issue to which you were trying to bring focus.  Own your charisma, but really?  Being mean?  You are bigger than that.

Here's a personal issue...and, yes, I am going to go there....Abortion...Once again...this is a very personal choice....and if you don't have a uterus, or you could be a help to someone facing this decision, or you could be the other part of this decision making team...but if you don't know what it would be like, if you can't imagine it, than please, save your judgement.  It is NOT yours' to decide.  If you haven't ever been raped or faced a life-threatening issue when pregnant, please do not pretend that you would know what you would choose.  And if you're not willing to take and raise a baby from a mother in a crisis pregnancy, please spare us your hate-mongering signs.

If you believe in Jesus, act like it.  If you're a moral person, own it.  If you have some brain inside your head, some version of right vs. wrong, be nice already.  Your treatment of people far overweighs the beliefs you claim, and you may actually minimize your message the moment you open your mouth. 

I'm not the moral compass--far from it.  I mess up.  I have made poor decisions in my life.  But I have made far more positive decisions, and one thing I've learned is that all of us, as long as there's breath in our lungs, have a chance to change our destiny.  But all of us should have the chance to live the life we want.  If we're not hurting anyone, what can it hurt?  I'm fully expecting that all of us will have to answer for our decisions in the end, and it's an individual appointment.  No one will be there with you.  Here on earth, though, think of it this way....if you wouldn't want it forced on someone else...don't force it on anyone else.  You're not going to be the one to have to answer for anyone else...so just be kind to your fellow earth inhabitants.

Frustration, aggravation, and.....

life....

Life....big surprise...

You know that point in your life where you want to just crawl in bed and not wake up?

....Yeah.....that.......

"Tired" doesn't even come close....

If you know someone with a chronic illness, give them a hug.  They need it.  Trust me.  Unless a hug would hurt them...then give them a fist bump, a nod, a wave...some acknowledgement that you SEE their journey.

Right now, "tired" doesn't even come close to describing how I feel.
Take a pillow....beat the living TAR out of it...and expect it to keep its shape.  That's close to how I feel.

I keep pushing....for my family's sake.  No one asked my kids if they wanted to be born to a mother with multiple chronic illnesses.  No one told my husband there'd be more "sickness" than "health" in our marriage.  No one asked my momma if it would be okay that I didn't have enough energy to pick up the phone after a day of dealing with life.  I push through things for my friends' sake, too....everyone is too good to me....too understanding, too loving, too nourishing and friendly.  Even when I'm at my worst.

When I don't have "enough"....how do I keep accepting what life gives?  I titled this blog "Life is a vacuum" because truly, I have moments that literally SUCK and then those that are so wonderful they take my breath away.  

B was teasing in church today that I was okay because I was caffeinated and medicated.  Sad thing is, he's right.  That's about the only way I can face the world lately. One of my clients complains that life isn't fair.  I'm about to tell him to pull up a spot for me to join his party.

So, why keep going?  I know this world is not my home.  The answers I'm given with this life are not "the final answers".  I have the hope of eternity with Christ.  I don't know why this journey is not easier...for me, or for many of my friends...

I have to know that some day, I will hear my Father say "Well done, enter into rest"....and then I won't be tired....anymore....

until that day comes, though....

Life as I know it....

So, I was talking (well, chatting on facebook) with a friend of mine the other day and it dawned on me I had not updated my blog in forever and 50 gabajillion days.  

I went back and read my blog entries, and you know something?  They weren't half bad.  Almost therapeutic.  Probably cheaper than my anxiety meds and antidepressants....oy....

So here's my attempt...again, at blogging.

I don't know what I'm doing.  My life is still as big of a mess as it was the last time I started blogging.  The last posts were when my life was starting to fall apart.  And they read that way, too.  We were just told we had to do something my body, my heart, and my soul were saying we shouldn't....right after my birthday...and crappy things happen around my birthday, so I knew this wasn't going to be good.

I have to admit...almost 2 years later, I have nothing new to report.  As expected, our family fell apart.  I could've saved "the system" tons of money, time and effort, and our family a bunch of pain if people would've listened to me in the first place.

"you were right" rings very shallow now.

I don't want to be right.  For once in my life, I wish I was wrong.  I wish I could make things all better.  But I can't.  My daughters still cry themselves to sleep sometimes.  They still don't know whether to include her in their drawings, their pictures, their stories, their lives.  Crazy thing is, she's still alive...they still talk to her, sometimes....so how do you mourn someone who's not gone?!?

It doesn't seem right.  Nothing does.  

So much time and energy.  Wasted.  Everyone says "oh, don't worry...one day it'll work out".  

And then, stupid me....I have to go check things out...and yes, things are as bad as they look....which doesn't make me happy...doesn't satisfy me, and doesn't make me know I made the right decision...

It's not like I feel alone...I don't.  At times I wish I WAS alone....because my inability to handle things tore apart a family....MY FAMILY....

Yes, I did all I could, we all did....Mental illness stole a family member....and sometimes, it threatens to grow in strength and steal me, too.

But I can't, I won't let it.  I've fought too hard...for me, for my family....

Trying....

Need some serious prayers throughout the next few days.  Will post more later, but I feel this part summarizes this best...."We're just going to have to trust God and the experts that things are ready".....

Glimpse into my heart right now

When there's more questions than answers and no end in sight, how do you deal with a loss that isn't there yet is so palpable it's like someone cut out your heart? 

And please, if you mean well and are going to say something about the Lord and His will, I just don't see that any of this was in His plan at all....and if so, there's the "more questions" part of the situation. 

I've heard people say He allows stuff to make us stronger...I don't need anymore strength. To make us bigger...I don't need to be bigger...His thoughts are higher...well, this seems pretty dadgum low to let a family be split, but not all the way and not sure if there is a split and for how long, and can someone please explain all this to my littles?

I'm okay with my questions...it's THEIR responses to what's going on that's killing me....and because there's no solution or resolution, it's like a gaping wound.

I guess I need peace, or understanding...or grace... or something. I know I don't NEED to understand His will...I just would like to know where His will is in any of this and how to maneuver my day to day when part of our lives are deeply and desperately missing, of very little fault of our own. And I know as smart as you my friends are, none of you would even pretend to know that. So I guess we just still need prayers.