Frustration, aggravation, and.....

life....

Life....big surprise...

You know that point in your life where you want to just crawl in bed and not wake up?

....Yeah.....that.......

"Tired" doesn't even come close....

If you know someone with a chronic illness, give them a hug.  They need it.  Trust me.  Unless a hug would hurt them...then give them a fist bump, a nod, a wave...some acknowledgement that you SEE their journey.

Right now, "tired" doesn't even come close to describing how I feel.
Take a pillow....beat the living TAR out of it...and expect it to keep its shape.  That's close to how I feel.

I keep pushing....for my family's sake.  No one asked my kids if they wanted to be born to a mother with multiple chronic illnesses.  No one told my husband there'd be more "sickness" than "health" in our marriage.  No one asked my momma if it would be okay that I didn't have enough energy to pick up the phone after a day of dealing with life.  I push through things for my friends' sake, too....everyone is too good to me....too understanding, too loving, too nourishing and friendly.  Even when I'm at my worst.

When I don't have "enough"....how do I keep accepting what life gives?  I titled this blog "Life is a vacuum" because truly, I have moments that literally SUCK and then those that are so wonderful they take my breath away.  

B was teasing in church today that I was okay because I was caffeinated and medicated.  Sad thing is, he's right.  That's about the only way I can face the world lately. One of my clients complains that life isn't fair.  I'm about to tell him to pull up a spot for me to join his party.

So, why keep going?  I know this world is not my home.  The answers I'm given with this life are not "the final answers".  I have the hope of eternity with Christ.  I don't know why this journey is not easier...for me, or for many of my friends...

I have to know that some day, I will hear my Father say "Well done, enter into rest"....and then I won't be tired....anymore....

until that day comes, though....

Life as I know it....

So, I was talking (well, chatting on facebook) with a friend of mine the other day and it dawned on me I had not updated my blog in forever and 50 gabajillion days.  

I went back and read my blog entries, and you know something?  They weren't half bad.  Almost therapeutic.  Probably cheaper than my anxiety meds and antidepressants....oy....

So here's my attempt...again, at blogging.

I don't know what I'm doing.  My life is still as big of a mess as it was the last time I started blogging.  The last posts were when my life was starting to fall apart.  And they read that way, too.  We were just told we had to do something my body, my heart, and my soul were saying we shouldn't....right after my birthday...and crappy things happen around my birthday, so I knew this wasn't going to be good.

I have to admit...almost 2 years later, I have nothing new to report.  As expected, our family fell apart.  I could've saved "the system" tons of money, time and effort, and our family a bunch of pain if people would've listened to me in the first place.

"you were right" rings very shallow now.

I don't want to be right.  For once in my life, I wish I was wrong.  I wish I could make things all better.  But I can't.  My daughters still cry themselves to sleep sometimes.  They still don't know whether to include her in their drawings, their pictures, their stories, their lives.  Crazy thing is, she's still alive...they still talk to her, sometimes....so how do you mourn someone who's not gone?!?

It doesn't seem right.  Nothing does.  

So much time and energy.  Wasted.  Everyone says "oh, don't worry...one day it'll work out".  

And then, stupid me....I have to go check things out...and yes, things are as bad as they look....which doesn't make me happy...doesn't satisfy me, and doesn't make me know I made the right decision...

It's not like I feel alone...I don't.  At times I wish I WAS alone....because my inability to handle things tore apart a family....MY FAMILY....

Yes, I did all I could, we all did....Mental illness stole a family member....and sometimes, it threatens to grow in strength and steal me, too.

But I can't, I won't let it.  I've fought too hard...for me, for my family....

Trying....

Need some serious prayers throughout the next few days.  Will post more later, but I feel this part summarizes this best...."We're just going to have to trust God and the experts that things are ready".....

Glimpse into my heart right now

When there's more questions than answers and no end in sight, how do you deal with a loss that isn't there yet is so palpable it's like someone cut out your heart? 

And please, if you mean well and are going to say something about the Lord and His will, I just don't see that any of this was in His plan at all....and if so, there's the "more questions" part of the situation. 

I've heard people say He allows stuff to make us stronger...I don't need anymore strength. To make us bigger...I don't need to be bigger...His thoughts are higher...well, this seems pretty dadgum low to let a family be split, but not all the way and not sure if there is a split and for how long, and can someone please explain all this to my littles?

I'm okay with my questions...it's THEIR responses to what's going on that's killing me....and because there's no solution or resolution, it's like a gaping wound.

I guess I need peace, or understanding...or grace... or something. I know I don't NEED to understand His will...I just would like to know where His will is in any of this and how to maneuver my day to day when part of our lives are deeply and desperately missing, of very little fault of our own. And I know as smart as you my friends are, none of you would even pretend to know that. So I guess we just still need prayers.

Reasons why you may NOT want to sit next to us at a soccer game!

Said by me:  #7, keep your leg down!

Said by my husband: Ref, if you're going to have that thing in your mouth, you might as well use it!

Said by my father-in-law: Who the heck are these people and why do I have their children?!